#22歲的凝視

——————————·
雖然沒有過生日的習慣, 但是22這個數字十分特別，特別是凝視著22歲時看見了20歲以及21歲這兩年的時光跑馬燈，如何在社交上斷捨離、與諮商師一起處理生命裡的創傷，直至現在才終於能拾起那些在生命裡被我遺忘的小確幸。

整整兩年在諮商室度過是甚麼感覺？每周一次，每次一小時，歷經兩個四季的交替。透過對談重新讓我經歷生命裡的重大創傷，促使我再次思考這些創傷在生命裡扮演的角色。問題不在於為我的生命裡的創傷找尋意義，而是思考未來這個創傷再度來臨時，這將會很痛苦，但我將從中成長。諮商的確痛苦，但每一步都是甜蜜的負荷。

度過了與心理師的對談，才能重新學著體驗生活。如同〈靈魂急轉彎〉裡的22，她體驗到了夕陽餘暉的美好、吃到糖果時的喜悅、落葉在手上時的驚艷；到了21歲的尾聲我才體驗到了22在電影裡所經歷的「不可思議的日常瑣碎」。看著腳趾隨著海浪之下逐漸陷入鬆軟的沙灘，一次又一次體驗被沙子覆蓋的感覺；21歲的後半年我都浸泡在大自然的環抱，重新取得與它們的連結與慰藉。彷彿21歲過渡到22歲的那一聲鐘響，我的心也跟著22一起共鳴，找回了與生命的連結。

———————————————·

As a student of adversity, I have been struck over the years by how some people with major challenges seem to draw strength from them, and I've heard the popular wisdom that it has to do with finding meaning.

For a long while, I thought the meaning was out there, some great truths are waiting to be found. But over time, I have come to feel that the truth is irrelevant. We call it "finding meaning" but we might better call it "forging meaning."

I've learned to take the traumas, make them part of who I have come to be, and fold the worst events of my life into a narrative of triumph, evincing a better self in response to things that hurt.

——————————·